Category: Parenting

February 18, 2014 Encouragement, Our Homeschool, Parenting Post a Comment

February Burn Out

It’s that time of year. Christmas is behind us, spring seems so close and yet so far away. The winter doldrums have set in and we all feel restless. We want to shake things up. We want to breathe some life into the dreary surroundings. We want things to feel fresh and new rather than bleak and stagnant.

There are two things I always do this time of year – not intentionally, just as a result of a natural internal prompting. The first is to makeover my house. In the last couple of weeks I’ve bought a new (to me) couch, a new (to me) ottoman, a new rug, new (to me) lamps, a new shower curtain, and I’ve picked out paint colors and fabric swatches and on and on to spruce up my space. I love home makeovers on the cheap. The process revives me, and I always seem to go at it full force in January and February.

The other thing I always do in February, and I know I am not alone here, is rethink my home school. My oldest is in third grade now, and this is the first year this rethinking has not included the process of browsing local school websites.

I know lots of homeschooling moms come to February and start to think, “What am I doing? I am totally screwing this up. There is no way I’m teaching him everything he needs to know. We fight all the time. How do I know he’s learning what he needs to? I’m so tired of the daily battles! This isn’t what I thought homeschooling would be!”

I have so been there. And I will be there again, no doubt.  But since I’m not in that space at this exact moment, I want to share some encouragement for those who are – and for myself when I return there in the future!

So here are my words of encouragement to you, and to future me.

  1. You’re doing awesome. The sacrifices you are making for your children right now are huge and important and good. Homeschooling is an amazing gift you give your child even when it’s not perfect.
  2. School won’t fix it. Whatever “it” is, if your true desire is to homeschool, you can find a way to fix “it” at home. You may need to find more social opportunities – or cut back on social stuff for awhile. You may need to “buckle down” a little more with formal work – or you may need to take a break from the formal book learning and try a more relaxed, less schooly approach for awhile. You may need more discipline, or more fun, or more outside help, or to tune others out and listen just to your own voice for a bit.
  3. Sending your kid to school will not end the battles over learning. It will simply transform them into battles over homework. Do you have friends with kids in school? Do you know how much homework they have? Do you know how many projects they have? Do you know how many parent/teacher conferences, and back-to-school nights and socials and fundraisers and etc., etc., etc., you will have to attend?
  4. Even if you’re a bad teacher (and I promise you, you’re not, because if you were, you would never even have tried this whole experiment because you just wouldn’t have cared enough to suffer the headaches and heartaches), but even if you are a bad teacher, your kid is getting the benefit of one-to-one instruction. Do not underestimate the value of this! Do you ever feel torn because your’e trying to meet the need of 3 different kids? Imagine a teacher who has to meet the needs of 30 different kids. And then, in an hour, gets a whole new batch of 30 kids she has to teach. Think it’s easier because they’re all supposed to be learning the same thing? It’s not, because every single kid is different. And nobody knows your kid like you do.

If you want to homeschool, you can. You can. If you don’t want to homeschool, that’s fine. There are great schools out there! I’m not one to tell you that your kid will be forever damaged if you send them to school. I know school works for a lot of families. But you chose homeschooling for a reason. Probably for lots of reasons. If those reasons haven’t changed, and you still want to homeschool, don’t give up because you don’t think you’re good enough! You are good enough! You may need to change something, maybe just your thinking or your expectations, but maybe a new curriculum will help.

Almost certainly you need to be kinder and gentler to yourself and step back and realize that you’re doing an amazing job. Take a few minutes to write down everything you do with your kids and everything they’re learning. You’ll be amazed. Because you are doing an amazing job. I’m going to say it one more time. You are amazing. Because if you weren’t, you would never have even tried this insane experiment.

August 20, 2013 Parenting 1 Comment

The Poor Third Child

My third baby.

I just came across a post on Scary Mommy on the difference between parenting a first and third child. It made me chuckle with recognition. But she left out a few things, so I thought I’d add my own.

Food

First Kid: Introduced one food at a time waiting three days in between each new food to make sure there was no signs of allergy. No sweets until his first birthday. On his second birthday he asked “can I have cake again on my next birthday?”

Second Kid: Introduced nutritious whole foods as she seemed interested in them. Didn’t worry too much about a cookie here and there.

Third Kid: Let him grab food off my plate whenever he wanted. Cookies are a perfectly acceptable breakfast, and if he whines for the “whole bag” of Doritos, well, so long as it keeps him quiet, why not?

TV

First Kid: I was totally neurotic about his exposure to television. If I watched TV while nursing him to sleep, I did it with the close-captioning on. He was not exposed to television at all until he was 2. Isn’t that what the AAP recommends?

Second Kid: She watched whatever her big brother was watching whenever he was watching it.

Third Kid: On the nights he wouldn’t sleep, I’d let him watch Weeds with me.

And speaking of sleep. . . 

First Kid: I had a very strict schedule for him. Not that he ever followed it. And man would it stress me out when he didn’t fall asleep at 9am for his nap. If it took me until 11 to get him to sleep for his morning nap, what the hell was I supposed to do for his afternoon nap? I was clearly a failure as a parent because my kid did not sleep by the book. And if you happened to be the unfortunate fool who woke up my napping baby? God help you. (Sorry, Dad. You were recipient of my wrath on more than one occasion.)

Second Kid: She was just naturally a better napper than the first. Whether it was experience (mine) or temperament (hers) this just went much more smoothly for me the second time.

Third Kid: He’s just as bad a sleeper as big brother was, but it doesn’t bother me nearly as much. In fact, having to be home for naps is rather inconvenient. You don’t want to nap? Fine. We’re going to the museum. You don’t want to sleep at 7:30? Fine. Play in your room with your trains until you do want to go to sleep.  Just don’t make too much noise. Mommy’s watching Fringe. (Hey, I still have some standards – that show is way too scary for a 2 year old.)

July 23, 2013 Education Theory, Our Homeschool, Preschoolers, Rethinking the 3 R's Post a Comment

Relationship Based Learning: Part 2 in the Three R’s Series

EarlyGrades

In my last post I suggested a new set of “R’s” to guide our homeschool philosophy, particularly in the early grades.

I proposed

  • A relaxed approach
  • based on relationships
  • and real experiences.

I then encouraged us all to take a deep breath and relax.

Today, I want to think about the role of relationships in our homeschools. I want us to think about the relationships between and among the people in our homes, particularly between us as mothers and our children. I also want us to think about how our children relate to the material they are learning.

Let’s take a minute and perform a little thought experiment. Imagine you’re 5 years old. You’re going off to school for the first time and you’ve heard that your teacher is the best in the school. She’s kind and warm and funny. She’s gentle yet firm – you know your days will be peaceful. She loves kids and she loves teaching them. She respects children and encourages them to ask questions which she patiently answers. She laughs easily and her excitement for learning inspires her students’ sense of wonder.

Now imagine you’re the same small child, but you’ve heard your teacher is the meanest in school. She never smiles. She’s strict and harsh and has no patience for silly questions or nonsense. She is the quintessential schoolmarm taskmistress.

How did you feel imagining yourself meeting each teacher? Which teacher made you feel excited to be in school and to learn?

Like this thought experiment, research shows that a positive, supportive, encouraging relationship between teacher and student promotes learning. When you’re homeschooling, always remember that you are your child’s mother first. There’s a Jewish proverb stating that “one mother is worth a thousand teachers.” This is so true. You are better than your child’s teacher. You are his mother. Don’t ever let your role as his teacher diminish your role as his mother.

Don’t let learning conflicts destroy your relationship. If a lesson becomes a battle, leave it for a time until you are both calmer. Use the time to determine what the root of the problem is. Is the material too hard? Is it too boring? Is there another way to present the same idea? Is it really necessary to pursue this lesson at this time? Can you come back to the concepts in a week, a month, or even 6 months or a year?

I started phonics instruction with my oldest many, many times before we finally pursued learning to read together. I truly thought he was going to be an early reader. When he was two, he spent several days on the couch with the stomach flu. In between bouts of vomiting, he watched the Leap Frog Letter Factory over and over and over again. (This is a truly obnoxious video, but kids love it.) By the time his tummy recovered, he knew his letters and letter sounds pat. I thought for sure he’d be a precocious reader.

He wasn’t. When we started Sing, Spell, Read and Write in kindergarten, it was kind of a disaster. I tried various other programs over the next couple of years with various levels of resistance and distress. I never pushed it. I didn’t have it in me to force the issue. If he resisted too much, I’d drop it. I would ignore reading instruction for 6 months at a time and try again.

Eventually he started sounding out “environmental print,” signs  along the road, words on cereal boxes, that sort of thing. Then he decided that he could read Bears in the Night by Stan and Jan Berenstain. That was the only book he could read for about a year. Then he started trying other books, but never read more than a few words. Finally, when he was 7.5 I told him we were going to get more serious about school. We would be doing 10 minutes of reading and 10 minutes of math a day. I told him he could read anything to me he wanted for those 10 minutes. He mostly chose easy reader books and the Henry and Mudge series was his favorite.

After about 6 months of this, he announced one day, “Mama, I’m going to read the Harry Potter books.” As it happened, the next day I found the first four books at Goodwill for $.99/piece so I bought them all. And you know what? He’s reading the first book. After a couple of days of reading, he came to me and excitedly told me, “Mama! I’ve already ready two and half pages!” It’s slow going, but he’s doing it and he is so proud of himself. And he will be a much better reader by the time he finishes this book.

All told, I would say over the first 7.5 years of his life he received about 3 hours of direct phonics instruction.

I’ll talk more about how you can teach a kid to read without a phonics curriculum (I’m not anti-phonics, so don’t jump on me here!) in my post about reading. My primary point here is that it was never worth it to me to fight my son about reading. I decided that if teaching my child was going to strain or injure our relationship, I’d rather send him to school.

And I didnt’ want to send him to school.

So what can you do if you’re finding learning time to be a battle? First, you can just stop. As I said before, there’s no reason your 5 year old has to have a formal curriculum of any kind. If sitting down to “do school” is a battle, go to the park instead. Wait awhile and try again in 6 months after he’s matured a little. And then, if you need to, wait another six months and try again. Or look for a different approach. Make train tracks shaped like letters and let him puff his train along the “j” track. Draw letters and numbers in the sand. Make cookies together and count scoops as you measure. Just go to Pinterest and look around at some of the “learning to read” or “preschool math” boards and you’ll be flooded with fun ideas that you and your child will love. Life presents so many joyful learning opportunities that can bring you closer to your child – there’s no need to doggedly pursue a curriculum that creates tension and discord.

You know your child better than anyone. You know what lights his fire. You know his interests and passions. If you don’t, find out. Put aside your curriculum and expectations and just spend some time following his lead in play and see what excites and motivates him. You’ll have a much easier time teaching him if you know what makes him tick. And you will probably discover he is learning things you weren’t even aware of.

Finally, pray. Ask our Lord how to reach your children’s hearts. Ask Him what it is you need to teach your children today, this month, this year. Ask Him to reveal to you His plan and purpose for each of your children and your role in helping each to fulfill that purpose. Pray to your children’s guardian angels and baptismal saints. Ask them to intercede for you and your children regarding their educations. I have been astounded and overwhelmed  by the answers and blessings I have received when I have placed my trust in the Lord regarding challenging situations with my children. The Lord is truly good and he desires the best for you and your children. He will guide you if you ask and listen.

Your relationship with your child is the greatest educational tool you have. Don’t let your anxiety over what he “should” be learning when he’s little create a rift between you.

In the next post, I’ll look at the second relationship I mentioned above: the relationship between your children and the material they are learning.

To read the other posts in this series:

Part 1: Relax

Part 3: Your Child’s Relationship with the Material

Part 4: Real Experiences

March 3, 2013 Parenting 2 Comments

Accountable Kids Preview

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and forgot to publish it. We’re into the Accountable Kids system a good ways now, but I won’t spoil the outcome. Here’s how I was feeling before we started:

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I am seeking more discipline in our family life. Because I am a little weak in the self-discipline department, and because, as I mentioned, I hate being a disciplinarian, I decided to seek a little outside help.

This is completely out of character for me. First of all, my educational background is in managing challenging behavior in children. I should know how to figure this out on my own. Secondly, I HATE spending money on things that I feel like I could do myself. Finally, I am a total do-it-yourselfer not only for money reasons but because I can’t accept anything off the shelf. It’s why I homeschool. Why I don’t use curriculum. Why I make my own cleaning products. I like to have things my way.

So that gives you an idea of how desperate I must have been feeling when I Paypal-ed $95 to Accountable Kids for an out-of-the-box “chore” system.

I chose this particular system primarily because my best friend has been using it with her kid for a couple of years now and it works well for her family.

The basic set up is this. A child has a set of chores that he has to complete at set times during the day (morning chores, afternoon chores, evening chores). These “chores” are often simply self care tasks such as brushing one’s teeth or getting dressed. Once a child has completed those chores, he receives a “ticket.” These tickets can then be exchanged for privileges such as screen time, play dates, a new book, or whatever motivates that particular child. A child can lose a ticket for bad behavior. A child can also do extra chores to earn money, but must first complete his regular chores.

This all comes with a slick little peg board for hanging the various elements on.

I wanted to write a little preview of my hopes and dreams for what this system will accomplish for our family so that I can honestly assess how it’s working for us later.

So here are some problem spots I hope will be smoothed out:

Morning Routine/TV Time
As it stands now, my kids wake up and trickle downstairs to watch TV while I have a little quiet time and make breakfast. I take their breakfast orders while they watch TV, and lately, they eat breakfast while watching TV. Then, we fight about turning off the TV and getting dressed so we can get out the door to wherever we need to be that day. We leave 10 to 15 minutes late with me furious at everyone. It’s fun. You should try it.

What’s supposed to happen is that the kids get up, watch TV until breakfast and then turn it off while we all eat together. Then they can go back to the TV once they are fully dressed and have everything ready to walk out the door.

My ideal situation is that everyone find a different way to wake up in the morning before breakfast (playing with dolls? reading a book?). I would be ecstatic if my kids actually helped me get breakfast on the table or even (gasp!) got their own breakfast. I’d love to have some short family prayers or devotional time before we head off for our daily activities.

For now, I’ll settle for what’s supposed to happen, but I want to keep my ideal in mind as a goal.

Bed Time
This goes fairly smoothly for 2/3 children. I’d love to have some leverage with the other one.

Back Talking, Attitude, Imperious Demands
We’re currently working on this with time outs. I was never a huge stickler requiring one to say “please”, but things have gotten way out of hand. I am tired of being held hostage by a little tyrant who will make my life hell if I do not do exactly what I’m commanded to do the second I am commanded to do it. I tried modeling the behavior I want to see, responding kindly despite the rudeness, trying to help and indulge as much as I could, but it has only made things worse. I would indulge and indulge until finally I would snap.

I think this will be behavior I take a ticket for. Deliberate pig-headedness – i.e. refusing to get dressed when it’s time to leave the house, or ordering mommy to fetch your shoes because you don’t feel like doing it yourself, or screaming at mommy because she didn’t get your dolls clothes on just right? Yeah. I’m taking your ticket.

So I’m thinking at the beginning my kids, at least one of them, won’t have a whole lot of privileges. I’m trying to come up with things that won’t require tickets – things that I wish we were doing more of anyway. Things like reading books with mommy, or going for a walk, or playing quietly in your room.

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. I’m nervous.

February 26, 2013 Education Theory, Our Homeschool, Parenting, Rethinking the 3 R's 2 Comments

Encouraging Creativity

“Hey, mom! Want to color in Cutielicious?”

Yes, I do. I love Cutielicious. It’s a super fun doodle book with just enough structure for the creatively challenged (me) and more than enough freedom for the artistically inclined (Helen). One of the best purchases I’ve ever made, it makes me happy to color in this ultra cute book with my little girl.

Usually.

“Ooooh! Let’s color the cookie page,” my little one exclaims. “Which cookie do you want to do?”

I select my cookie declaring, “I’m going to color it like one of the yummy sugar cookies with the slick pink frosting on it. I love those. I’ll try a pink circle in the middle and then color around it with tan.”*

“No. You have to color it all brown first.”

“I don’t want to color it all brown first, then it won’t look like I want it to.”

“But I want you to make it look like this one,” my little girl asserts, pointing to the sample cookie provided.

Um. That’s an ugly cookie. I don’t like the way it looks. I wanted to color it like the delicious cookie in my brain.

“Why can’t I color my cookie the way I want to color my cookie?” I ask a little petulantly.

“Because I want it to look like this one!”

“Then you can color yours like that one. I want to make mine a pink sugar cookie.” I’m a little surprised at how strongly I feel about this and how grumpy I am to have my small opportunity for creativity wrestled from me by my tyrannical daughter insisting I recreate the uninspired cookie offered as a model.

At her further insistence I copy this stupid cookie, while she criticizes my efforts.

“Those circles aren’t round enough!”

“That’s the wrong color.”

I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am a grown up, that the activity in front of me is not about my artistic (ha!) expression but about connecting and sharing time with my precious daughter. So I copied the ugly cookie.*

And then I thought about how often we suck the joy out of our children by asking them to copy the ugly cookie.

It may go something like this.

“Hey mom! Can I help you clean the bathroom?” a child asks enthusiastically while grabbing the spray bottle of homemade non-toxic cleaner.

“Sure! Here, spray right here. . .wait, no, that’s too much! No, don’t spray there, here, that’s enough. Okay now. Wait! Where are you going? I thought you wanted to help me!”

Or maybe this is more familiar.

“Mom! Look! I wrote a poem! Want to read it?”

“Sure! . . . Oh, you misspelled this word. You should put a comma here. Do you think it would be better if you. . . “

Or sometimes around here it’s:

“Mom! Can I make a cake?”

“Sure, first you need to . . . okay now . . . wait, let me just . . . good now . . . wait! I thought you were going to make a cake!”

The resentment I felt at being forced to copy that ugly cookie, the disappointment at having my joy and vision subjugated to someone else’s agenda, made me realize just how damaging it is to interrupt a child’s inspiration. Not only does it prevent their expressing their creativity, but it robs them of the motivation to act in any way. I copied that ugly cookie, but I didn’t want to and I hated every minute of it. And when I was finally allowed to create my own cookie, the joy was gone.

I’m pretty sure that had I had the freedom to create my own cookie first, I would have happily copied that ugly cookie to please my little girl. Of course, I’m a grown up. I can get over it. But every time we ask a child to copy the ugly cookie before they’re allowed to create the cookie that inspires their joy, we rob them of the opportunity to express their unique vision. We deny them the satisfaction that comes from acting on their internal motivation to create something that pleases them. Ultimately, we prevent them from learning to be self-motivated individuals who can conceive of an idea and follow through on it’s implementation without always having someone else tell them what to do and how to do it.

I’m going to try to cultivate an awareness for when I’m asking my children to copy an ugly cookie. I’d much rather see the beautiful pink-frosted sugar cookies lurking in their brains.

~~~~~

* I would like to say for the record that I can see that the “ugly cookie” I created under my daughter’s direction is, in fact, much cooler than the pink sugar cookie of my imagination. But that’s hardly the point now, is it?

February 9, 2013 Parenting Post a Comment

Seeking Discipline

My friend Clea shared this on facebook the other day. I quote it here, with her permission, because it so perfectly captures where I’m at myself.

So I think I’ve named the crux of my challenge here at my little homeschool. My kids think “homeschooling” equals “do whatever I want” and when that isn’t the case, whether we’re talking chores, errands, academic work, or speaking to me, they turn very unpleasant very fast. So my job isn’t so much to teach them academic whatever, or even “how to learn” but a) self regulation and restraint and b) how to not be a brat when you don’t get your way. Right now that job description isn’t working for me.

We are in the thick of it here these days. The toddler is finding his two-year-old voice. The brand new five-year-old is taking “strong willed” to new heights, and my 7-year-old, while mostly “good” can display some amazing attitude when asked to do something as simple as clear his plate from the table. Add in the usual sibling spats and the tiny daily stresses that is simply life with three small children (you know, sleepless nights, ear infections, tummy bugs, and seriously do I really have to feed you all again???) and I’m just feeling, well, challenged I guess is the best word for it.

Feeling challenged is an improvement. I was feeling utter despair. An afternoon to myself spent shopping, reading and praying helped turn me around a bit. So I’ve moved past despair, but I’m still a long way from joyful.

I am very clear that self regulation and restraint and how-to-not-be-a-brat-when-you-don’t-get-your-way are at the top of what I’m supposed to be teaching my kids these days. Perhaps just a tiny bit behind not-bullying-everyone-in-the-house-with-your-unreasonable-and-impossible-demands-and-your-temper-tantrums. And I have started these lessons with a renewed energy.

And I hate it. I hate being the bad guy, the heavy, the “worst mom in the world.” I do know moms who revel in these labels. They hear these epithets as assurance that they are doing a good job. Not me.

Somewhere along the line I fell for the story that if you just love your kids enough, if you reason with them, let them know you’re always on their side, breastfeed them until they’re 20, sleep with them, wear them, and do everything “right,” you will have an endlessly happy relationship with your child.

Let me tell you something. I know a lot of people who have done the attachment parenting/gentle discipline thing, and not one of them is having an easy, blissful time with their child. Neither are my friends who took a more conventional route.

Because this parenting thing is hard. It presents new challenges every. single. day. Because children (like adults) are prone to selfishness, impulsiveness, irrationality, and a deep inner distaste for being told what to do.

And it is my job to tell them what to do. Even as I write that I’m arguing with the voices in my head who say that’s not really necessarily the case. But it is. Because if I don’t teach them to bathe themselves, to treat others with kindness and respect, to clean up after themselves, to feed themselves, etc., etc., etc., then they will be people who cannot take care of themselves and whom no one wants to be around. And that does not serve them well.

So I am embarking on a stricter discipline regimen. Which means I am no longer tolerating the wicked back talk (“aaaarrrhhh! I don’t want to! You’re mean!”) or the imperious demands (“You get my shoes and carry them to the car for me!”) or the refusal to comply with the fundamentals of self care (say, brushing one’s teeth).

It’s exhausting. The ups and downs. The screaming tantrums followed by the giggling snuggles followed by imperious announcement of how many pieces of birthday cake I will or won’t be permitted at my darling’s next birthday party.

I’m worn out. I have to constantly remind myself that being a “good mom” doesn’t mean my kids are always happy. And yet, I really did believe that if I just did it all “right,” my kids would be charming, agreeable little people at all times.

That’s when I have to remind myself that Our Heavenly Father, in all his goodness and perfection, does not have children who are always charming and agreeable. Heaven knows I’m not. A

So I’m charging forward. And I’m seeing some benefits. It’s kind of two steps forward, one step back, but it’s progress. I feel like there are more good moments now than there were a week ago. And less yelling from all of us.

We still have a lot of work to do, but I think we’re moving in the right direction.

August 20, 2012 Parenting, Toddlers Post a Comment

Toddler Wearing

Even tough pirates enjoy being close to mama.

I was hanging out with a friend the other day when she casually mentioned she may need to borrow back the Ergo she’s given me on extended loan to take with her on a trip to Italy this fall. I had a moment of panic. My first thought was “you can’t have my Ergo.” My second thought was, “no, really, you can’t have my Ergo.”

She had loaned it to me because she has back problems that make it difficult for her to wear her child for any length of time. I have an Ergo that I’ve used with three kids, but it’s ratty and worn and I slammed the waist buckle in the door of my car once and now it doesn’t latch exactly the way it’s supposed to. It still works though. I’ll be okay if I have to loan back the shiny new black one for a few weeks.

My littlest one is 20 months old and I still use my Ergo every single day. At the zoo. When I’m making dinner. For a walk around the block. At the grocery store. I’d rather give up chocolate than my Ergo. And if you know me at all, you know that’s saying something.

There’s no rule that says that you have to stop wearing your child just because he’s learned to walk. Toddler wearing is just as good for bonding and development as baby wearing. And it provides the same “hands free” benefits for parents. When you’re trying to make dinner and a toddler is crying at your knees, a good baby carrier is your best friend.

Toddlers especially love to be worn where they can be up in the middle of the action. It’s great for language development because mother and child can share the same line of sight. As baby points out interesting sights, mom can label the environment and mom and baby can share intimate conversations about the world.

Toddlers who are worn experience the world from a more adult perspective. They are better able to interact with the people around them and generally attract more attention than a child sitting in a stroller. This gives them a head start on social learning as they are able to witness how adults interact with each other and to practice interacting with others while enjoying the security of being safely attached to mom.

Toddlers typically like to be worn upright. Hip carries and back carries are convenient and comfortable for both parent and child. Carrying a toddler in a hip carry in a pouch is convenient for those in-and-out errands because it is easy to “pop” your child in and out. It also allows the child to see what’s going on as you mail a package at the post office, deposit a check at the bank or grab a few quick things at the grocery store. Or, if you’re truly blessed, you can point out original Michelangelo’s in Roman cathedrals.

For longer excursions, a soft-structured Asian-style carrier such as the Ergo or the Beco allows you to wear your child on your back making it more comfortable to carry him for a longer period of time. Rather than wandering the Denver Zoo with your little tyke in a stroller, keep him up on your back where he can get a better view of the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). The back carry is also great for grocery shopping if your child prefers being carried to riding in the cart. One word of caution though, watch out for grabby little hands so you don’t have to call for a “clean up in Aisle 5!” (Not that that’s ever happened to me. . . )

Soft backpack carriers also allow you to carry your toddler snuggled on your chest. While wearing a larger toddler makes it more difficult to get things done while toddler wearing, it provides a wonderful opportunity for close snuggles with your not-so-tiny baby. Even though he often seems more like a big kid than a baby, your toddler still enjoys the intimacy of being snuggled up tummy to tummy. If you’re at a back-yard party or company picnic, this can be a great way to keep your baby content so you can socialize. Or, on a day when your child’s attachment needs are particularly high, scoop him into the carrier and go for a long snuggly walk. Or turn on some music and dance. It will give you both the opportunity to reconnect and enjoy these last fleeting days of babyhood.

 

August 14, 2012 Book Reviews: Books for Parents, Parenting Post a Comment

Book Review: Raising Your Spirited Child

The subtitle for this gem of a book is “A guide for parents whose child is more: intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic.” If you have a child that fits this description, you must get your hands on a copy of this book.

I am raising a very spirited young woman. One of my favorite tales of her spiritedness occurred when she was newly three year old. We were standing at the back of the church during mass. I was holding her two-week-old baby brother in the baby carrier, and she was sitting at my feet. I was feeling thankful that, for the moment, everyone was quiet and well behaved. I peaked around the baby to look down at my cherub and discovered that she was wearing nothing but her undies. I was shocked and horrified. “Put your clothes on!” I hissed. “No.” Mortified, I picked her up and carried her to the basement where in a state of post-partum exhaustion I begged, threatened, cajoled and otherwise failed to get her into her clothes. A very kind woman offered to help, which I gratefully accepted. She dug in her purse looking for something with which to bribe a sullen 3 year old. She found an unopened tube of chapstick and offered it to my little one if she would just put on her clothes. My precious daughter’s response was simply to cross her arms and glare at the kind woman who then replied, “Most kids aren’t this stubborn!”

What I love about this book is the positive tone and the practical. There’s a section devoted to finding new labels to describe the spirited behaviors that can be so taxing to parents. Kurcinka encourages you to call up your favorite image of your spirited child, the one that “includes the snappy eyes, the infectious grin, the agile body, or the astounding question,” and to hold that image while you “discover the hidden potential” in a list of obnoxious characteristics. Unpredictable becomes flexible and creative. My stubborn, naked child becomes assertive and persistent in the face of challenges. Reading this section actually takes you from despair (how I am ever going to survive parenting this child?!?!) to a feeling of being abundantly blessed with a fascinating child who will one day do, and in fact already does, amazing things.

Once she’s helped you obtain this attitude change, Kurcinka provides an in depth course on temperament. Here she discusses introversion versus extroversion and each of the “more” characteristics (intensity, sensitivity, persistence, distractibility, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction and mood). In each section she provides a sensitive and supportive overview of the personality trait as well as sound practical advice for preventing and managing the difficulties it can cause. If you’ve read this book, you know that a naked child at church may be particularly sensitive to things like the temperature of a room and the feeling of her clothes on her skin. Combine this sensitivity with intensity and persistence, and well, you end up with a naked kid who refuses to get dressed in the back of the church.

This book guides parents into proactively considering the situations that may overwhelm their particular child. At our house, a few minutes spent considering the comfort of our spirited daughter’s clothes, choosing some layers, and discussing whether that really pretty dress will still feel comfortable when she’s been sitting on a wooden pew for a while goes a long way toward a more peaceful Sunday morning.

As a spirited adult, I especially appreciate the sections addressing how to cope “if you’re intense/sensitive/persistent too.” Again, Kurcinka’s tone is always encouraging and never condemning. These traits aren’t good or bad. Being “intense” or “sensitive” is no more of moral issue than being right- or left-handed. It simply helps to know what you are so that you can behave appropriately.

The last third of Raising Your Spirited Child is full of practical advice for specific situations. There’s a chapter on tantrums, as well as bedtime, mealtime, and getting dressed. The final chapters address the social life of a spirited child including helping the spirited child succeed in school.

Raising a spirited child is a unique challenge. It can be overwhelming, particularly when your parenting philosophy is opposed to punitive and physical discipline. So many parenting books recommend breaking a child’s spirit. But that spirit is a gift from God and a tremendous benefit to your child once she learns to manage it appropriately. No, we’re not to break our child’s spirit, we’re to instruct and guide it so that he can learn to use it to do amazing things.

May 19, 2012 Our Homeschool, Parenting, Toddlers Post a Comment

Montessori at Home: Spice Smelling

When my oldest, now 7, was a baby, I was very excited about creating a Montessori atmosphere in my home. I love Montessori’s philosophy and the beauty of Montessori materials. But at some point I realized that what many of Montessori’s “practical life” and “sensory” activities are trying to replicate occur quite naturally in the home. Maria Montessori was working with institutionalized children who did not have the luxury of the rich learning environments found naturally in today’s middle class American homes.

There’s nothing wrong with creating Montessori materials for your home, but if you’re short on time, trays, and baskets, don’t feel like you’re cheating your child. Just open your spice cabinet.

My 17 month old and I spent about 25 minutes smelling spices this morning.

Nice fine motor component – taking off the lid. 

 Mmmmmm. . . red pepper flakes

Mmmmm. . . rosemary

Putting the lid back on.

Here, Mom! You smell.

Sad because he spilled spices on his toes and he doesn’t like the mess.

After a good 20 minutes he expanded the activity from smelling to dumping. He pulled out a measuring cup and started pouring spices into it. This is when I got tired of the activity. I wasn’t in the mood to clean up a huge spice mess. Or to waste my spices. Plus I was tired of standing up. So we moved on.

Sometimes when I’m browsing Pinterest and all of the amazing mommy blogs, I start to feel like I should do more for my kids. My point in sharing this is to recognize the good stuff that happens spontaneously.

So tell me, what are some of your natural environment learning successes?

February 19, 2012 Parenting, Toddlers Post a Comment

What to do with Screaming Toddlers

That's my daughter at 18 months. She was a great screamer.

A friend recently confided that her toddler’s screaming is making her crazy. He screams when he doesn’t get his way, when someone sits too close to his mama, when someone tells him “no.” She described it as a “high pitch ear deafening scream.”

Sound familiar?

If you have ever had a toddler, it probably does. Toddlers love to scream. But why? And what, if anything, can you do to stop it?

Why all the commotion?
Let’s look at a few of the reasons a toddler may scream.

  1. It makes them feel big. To be so little and make such a big noise can be really empowering.
  2. They don’t have the words to adequately express what they need to say. Screaming is faster and easier than trying to say “That’s my mama, and I need her all to myself right now.”
  3. They can’t yet make sense of their really big feelings. Disappointment is hard for adults to deal with. For toddlers, screaming is sometimes the only way they can think of to let people know that they really feel awful.
  4. They have no perspective. Toddles have no sense of time. They believe that the present moment is the only moment for all of eternity. If they feel awful right now, they don’t know that life will be okay in just a few minutes. This is the same phenomenon that leads to a toddler laughing happily before the tears are even dry on his little face. Because when they feel good, they don’t remember feeling bad. This is a skill that develops throughout the toddler and preschool years.

Make it Stop!
Great. So we have some ideas about why they scream, but how can we make it stop? You probably can’t completely stop a toddler from screaming, but there are some things you can try to help keep the screaming to a minimum.

  1. Give them the words they need. Baby sign language can be a big help for toddlers – even those who have started to talk. Signs for “help” and “please” and “more” can give them an effective way to ask for what they need without screaming. When your toddler is screaming because he dropped something and can’t reach it, say “Oh! You need help. Say ‘help!'” While modeling the sign. Don’t expect your toddler to stop screaming and sign help. Go ahead and help him. You can work on getting him to actually use the word and/or sign another time when he’s not freaking out.
  2. Help them label the big feelings. Labeling emotions is the first step is learning to regulate them. If your child is screaming because you took something away from him, say “You’re mad! You’re mad and disappointed because you want mommy’s phone!”
  3. Compassionately acknowledge his negative feelings. Don’t tell him he’s okay. Don’t tell him to stop being mad. Let him know you understand why he’s upset. “I’m sorry. You want mommy’s phone. Mommy’s phone is cool and you want it.”
  4. Help him move into the next moment. While you want to let your kid feel what he feels, you don’t want him to get stuck there. Once you’ve acknowledged why he’s upset, see if you can help him move past it. Distraction is a good tool for the younger child. Maybe you can find an acceptable substitute for the desired object. A more verbal child might benefit from a game of fantasy play where you magically grant his wish – “I wish I could give you 100 phones just for you! What would you do with all of those phones?”

Toddlers lack the maturity and self control necessary to gracefully handle upset and disappointment. If we react compassionately and patiently and teach them the skills they need to manage these challenging situations, we are doing our future society a favor. With our love and guidance, today’s screaming toddlers can become tomorrow’s peaceful, well-adjusted adults.

Have some experience with screaming toddlers? Please share your tips for stopping the noise!

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