Toddler Wearing

Even tough pirates enjoy being close to mama.

I was hanging out with a friend the other day when she casually mentioned she may need to borrow back the Ergo she’s given me on extended loan to take with her on a trip to Italy this fall. I had a moment of panic. My first thought was “you can’t have my Ergo.” My second thought was, “no, really, you can’t have my Ergo.”

She had loaned it to me because she has back problems that make it difficult for her to wear her child for any length of time. I have an Ergo that I’ve used with three kids, but it’s ratty and worn and I slammed the waist buckle in the door of my car once and now it doesn’t latch exactly the way it’s supposed to. It still works though. I’ll be okay if I have to loan back the shiny new black one for a few weeks.

My littlest one is 20 months old and I still use my Ergo every single day. At the zoo. When I’m making dinner. For a walk around the block. At the grocery store. I’d rather give up chocolate than my Ergo. And if you know me at all, you know that’s saying something.

There’s no rule that says that you have to stop wearing your child just because he’s learned to walk. Toddler wearing is just as good for bonding and development as baby wearing. And it provides the same “hands free” benefits for parents. When you’re trying to make dinner and a toddler is crying at your knees, a good baby carrier is your best friend.

Toddlers especially love to be worn where they can be up in the middle of the action. It’s great for language development because mother and child can share the same line of sight. As baby points out interesting sights, mom can label the environment and mom and baby can share intimate conversations about the world.

Toddlers who are worn experience the world from a more adult perspective. They are better able to interact with the people around them and generally attract more attention than a child sitting in a stroller. This gives them a head start on social learning as they are able to witness how adults interact with each other and to practice interacting with others while enjoying the security of being safely attached to mom.

Toddlers typically like to be worn upright. Hip carries and back carries are convenient and comfortable for both parent and child. Carrying a toddler in a hip carry in a pouch is convenient for those in-and-out errands because it is easy to “pop” your child in and out. It also allows the child to see what’s going on as you mail a package at the post office, deposit a check at the bank or grab a few quick things at the grocery store. Or, if you’re truly blessed, you can point out original Michelangelo’s in Roman cathedrals.

For longer excursions, a soft-structured Asian-style carrier such as the Ergo or the Beco allows you to wear your child on your back making it more comfortable to carry him for a longer period of time. Rather than wandering the Denver Zoo with your little tyke in a stroller, keep him up on your back where he can get a better view of the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). The back carry is also great for grocery shopping if your child prefers being carried to riding in the cart. One word of caution though, watch out for grabby little hands so you don’t have to call for a “clean up in Aisle 5!” (Not that that’s ever happened to me. . . )

Soft backpack carriers also allow you to carry your toddler snuggled on your chest. While wearing a larger toddler makes it more difficult to get things done while toddler wearing, it provides a wonderful opportunity for close snuggles with your not-so-tiny baby. Even though he often seems more like a big kid than a baby, your toddler still enjoys the intimacy of being snuggled up tummy to tummy. If you’re at a back-yard party or company picnic, this can be a great way to keep your baby content so you can socialize. Or, on a day when your child’s attachment needs are particularly high, scoop him into the carrier and go for a long snuggly walk. Or turn on some music and dance. It will give you both the opportunity to reconnect and enjoy these last fleeting days of babyhood.

 

Book Review: Raising Your Spirited Child

The subtitle for this gem of a book is “A guide for parents whose child is more: intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic.” If you have a child that fits this description, you must get your hands on a copy of this book.

I am raising a very spirited young woman. One of my favorite tales of her spiritedness occurred when she was newly three year old. We were standing at the back of the church during mass. I was holding her two-week-old baby brother in the baby carrier, and she was sitting at my feet. I was feeling thankful that, for the moment, everyone was quiet and well behaved. I peaked around the baby to look down at my cherub and discovered that she was wearing nothing but her undies. I was shocked and horrified. “Put your clothes on!” I hissed. “No.” Mortified, I picked her up and carried her to the basement where in a state of post-partum exhaustion I begged, threatened, cajoled and otherwise failed to get her into her clothes. A very kind woman offered to help, which I gratefully accepted. She dug in her purse looking for something with which to bribe a sullen 3 year old. She found an unopened tube of chapstick and offered it to my little one if she would just put on her clothes. My precious daughter’s response was simply to cross her arms and glare at the kind woman who then replied, “Most kids aren’t this stubborn!”

What I love about this book is the positive tone and the practical. There’s a section devoted to finding new labels to describe the spirited behaviors that can be so taxing to parents. Kurcinka encourages you to call up your favorite image of your spirited child, the one that “includes the snappy eyes, the infectious grin, the agile body, or the astounding question,” and to hold that image while you “discover the hidden potential” in a list of obnoxious characteristics. Unpredictable becomes flexible and creative. My stubborn, naked child becomes assertive and persistent in the face of challenges. Reading this section actually takes you from despair (how I am ever going to survive parenting this child?!?!) to a feeling of being abundantly blessed with a fascinating child who will one day do, and in fact already does, amazing things.

Once she’s helped you obtain this attitude change, Kurcinka provides an in depth course on temperament. Here she discusses introversion versus extroversion and each of the “more” characteristics (intensity, sensitivity, persistence, distractibility, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction and mood). In each section she provides a sensitive and supportive overview of the personality trait as well as sound practical advice for preventing and managing the difficulties it can cause. If you’ve read this book, you know that a naked child at church may be particularly sensitive to things like the temperature of a room and the feeling of her clothes on her skin. Combine this sensitivity with intensity and persistence, and well, you end up with a naked kid who refuses to get dressed in the back of the church.

This book guides parents into proactively considering the situations that may overwhelm their particular child. At our house, a few minutes spent considering the comfort of our spirited daughter’s clothes, choosing some layers, and discussing whether that really pretty dress will still feel comfortable when she’s been sitting on a wooden pew for a while goes a long way toward a more peaceful Sunday morning.

As a spirited adult, I especially appreciate the sections addressing how to cope “if you’re intense/sensitive/persistent too.” Again, Kurcinka’s tone is always encouraging and never condemning. These traits aren’t good or bad. Being “intense” or “sensitive” is no more of moral issue than being right- or left-handed. It simply helps to know what you are so that you can behave appropriately.

The last third of Raising Your Spirited Child is full of practical advice for specific situations. There’s a chapter on tantrums, as well as bedtime, mealtime, and getting dressed. The final chapters address the social life of a spirited child including helping the spirited child succeed in school.

Raising a spirited child is a unique challenge. It can be overwhelming, particularly when your parenting philosophy is opposed to punitive and physical discipline. So many parenting books recommend breaking a child’s spirit. But that spirit is a gift from God and a tremendous benefit to your child once she learns to manage it appropriately. No, we’re not to break our child’s spirit, we’re to instruct and guide it so that he can learn to use it to do amazing things.

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